Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize