Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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