In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
