I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize