the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
