Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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