and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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