I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
