Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
