there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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