did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
