I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
