apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
