I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
