I think I am morally bankrupt
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
