I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
