I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
