Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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