His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
