if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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