id be glad to
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
