"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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