You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
