and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
