Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
