Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
