If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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