no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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