she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
True strength comes from lack of pants
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
