i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize