You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
