Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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