i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
