Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
