Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize