Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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