omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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