You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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