can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
