Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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