well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
