I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize