Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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