I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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