I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
