I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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