Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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