I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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