please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
