My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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