I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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