I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
