Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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