i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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