I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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