I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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