your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
