All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
