I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
