Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
