Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
