You smell like a Billy Joel song
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
