so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
