hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
