i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
