i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
